I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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