and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize