you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
