thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
