i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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