yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
