i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
