I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
