oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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