He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
