No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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