he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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