Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
