I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
