That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I wear drunk well.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
