that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
