To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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