i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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