dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
