what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Randomize
