You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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