you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
