OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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