Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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