I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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