I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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