i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
