cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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