Apparently you make a good broom.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
