she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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