Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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