So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
