The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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