she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
