Four minutes until I can fart!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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