You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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