so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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