Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
