shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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