Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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