We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
