apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
