youre lurking in front of me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
