his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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