i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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