my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
