I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize