Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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