So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
