im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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