Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
