i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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