I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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