Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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