It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
