I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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