Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
