I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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