Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
