He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
