Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
