The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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